Signature Battens Down the Hatches in Preparation for SAD Scourge.

By Caitlin Heard

This is a warning to students and faculty alike. It is time for the annual outbreak of SAD or Sugary Affection Discomfort. Science students have discovered that the cause of this highly contagious disease is an overload of chemicals to the brain, with effects being similar to a sugar overdose. The chemical reaction is brought about by sights and/or sounds that are repulsively sweet.

The sights and sounds have a trigger, too: Valentine’s Day. The dreaded holiday of lovers has been declared the cause of SAD in recent studies. Science student Alex Schnautz offers this advice to the general populace in a recent manuscript

“Stay inside if at all possible, and avoid anywhere public, especially in the evening. If you must go out, wear sunglasses and headphones at all times. If these items are not available, please avoid all couples, and if you sense a contributing factor for SAD is near, close your eyes tightly, place your fingers in your ears, and scream along to an obnoxious song.

If you might be infected, please consider the highly contagious nature if SAD. Try to refrain from kissing, hugging, giving of roses, rings, etc, and all forms of PDA until you are in the privacy of your home.”

SAD is highly communicable, and it is also incurable. Chocolate, and the movie Valentine, are all that is needed in order needed to alleviate the symptoms for a year. If you experience any of the following symptoms please seek treatment items immediately: nostalgia, sadness, desire, loneliness, envy, anger and nausea.

Does Signature need more space?

I'm not sure why this comes to mind, but I recently read Ishmael by Daniel Quinn--fantastic book btw--and without ruining the plot for any juniors are supposed to read the book over Christmas break for Ms. Gregg's class, it has this unique twist on environmentalism in it. Questions it bring up are, "Is the progress of humanity good for life on earth as a whole?" "Can humanity ever live at peace with nature?" and "Is a larger, more productive human population good by objective standards?"

Apply Ishmael to Signature, and I have questions. A large student population shows Sig's popularity, but is this popularity good for Sig? Will getting more space for students lead to a larger student population cap (currently 275)?

Growth for growth's sake is not inherently good. Unless that growth is the conversion of the Loft to a science center, hehe.

woohooo

The rest of this week is half days! Rock on.

SAC News

Thanks to everyone who contributed cash to Students Advisory Council to help the needy family. We raised over $250!! Again, a big thank you to everyone to help make this a better Christmas for this family.

SARS sweeps Signature

*disclaimer-- this is a satirical article*

EVANSVILLE, Ind. – Signature School Principal Vicki Snyder vowed to continue operation of the school today as Signature’s Acidic Respiratory Syndrome (SARS) has forced over half of the student body to call in sick and a slew of teachers to request substitute teachers.

Sergeant Phyllis Pate has never seen a disease cut through the school’s ranks so quickly and devastatingly. “I’m surprised that the school won’t be shut down with all these absences,” she explained.

Symptoms of SARS include a runny nose, hacking cough, high fever, and light-headedness. Although SARS closely parallels influenza or the common cold, Signature is uniquely susceptible to this new disease.

Chemistry teacher Shane Thread explained the mysterious cause of this disease in a faculty meeting Monday. “[SARS] is really caused by a depletion of the bicarbonate ion in the blood buffer. Students who exacerbate their bicarbonate ions by studying too hard for their finals find that their blood’s PH level rises, causing SARS.”

Thread fell ill to SARS first period on Tuesday. Senior Phuc Nguyen summed up the situation, “[SARS] sucks. You know it’s bad if it knocks Mr. Thread out.”

Sophomore Joel Fine recently recovered from SARS, and shared his opinion about it. “I had it for a week and it was the worst time. Everyone is gone when [the semester] is coming down to the wire and making every class that much harder.”

However, students recognized the need to keep Signature running, with finals coming up next week. Freshman Andy Goldman conceded, “I believe that despite how unbelievably cool it would be to postpone finals, we should take them anyway to get [them] over with.”

Teachers, such as Thread, fell victim to SARS by attempting to grade too many research papers in too short of a time. The Center for Disease Control recommends that the school prohibit the writing of any essays on the upcoming finals and that any research papers currently turned in but not graded should be scored on effort, rather than in-depth content, in order to lessen the risk of SARS for both students and the teachers who have to grade the students’ writings.

Although SARS has no known cure, those currently infected with SARS are advised to stay at home if possible. If infected students and faculty cannot stay home, they are welcome to try to get through the day at school but will be faced with a $50,000 penalty if they cough near any uninfected persons.

Other general tips include dress in layers, wear a sock hat at all times, and wash your hands before every meal. Don’t rush timed writings. Do your homework and homework grading leisurely. And remember, laughter is the best medicine.