Monday, February 02, 2004

Signature Battens Down the Hatches in Preparation for SAD Scourge.

By Caitlin Heard

This is a warning to students and faculty alike. It is time for the annual outbreak of SAD or Sugary Affection Discomfort. Science students have discovered that the cause of this highly contagious disease is an overload of chemicals to the brain, with effects being similar to a sugar overdose. The chemical reaction is brought about by sights and/or sounds that are repulsively sweet.

The sights and sounds have a trigger, too: Valentine’s Day. The dreaded holiday of lovers has been declared the cause of SAD in recent studies. Science student Alex Schnautz offers this advice to the general populace in a recent manuscript

“Stay inside if at all possible, and avoid anywhere public, especially in the evening. If you must go out, wear sunglasses and headphones at all times. If these items are not available, please avoid all couples, and if you sense a contributing factor for SAD is near, close your eyes tightly, place your fingers in your ears, and scream along to an obnoxious song.

If you might be infected, please consider the highly contagious nature if SAD. Try to refrain from kissing, hugging, giving of roses, rings, etc, and all forms of PDA until you are in the privacy of your home.”

SAD is highly communicable, and it is also incurable. Chocolate, and the movie Valentine, are all that is needed in order needed to alleviate the symptoms for a year. If you experience any of the following symptoms please seek treatment items immediately: nostalgia, sadness, desire, loneliness, envy, anger and nausea.


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